This is the fourth in my series of six Guardians. She is my opportunity to talk about spiritual things. My son's death has given me an opportunity to think about my beliefs. Where did we come from? Why we are here? Where are we going?

I believe each mother ponders these questions in some way after losing a child. I give each one the inalienable right to their individual beliefs. Understanding what I believe has given me much comfort. I will state some of my own beliefs, not in hopes of changing anyone else - but so, as the artist, you can understand me a little more, and in hopes of starting you on a path that results in finding of your own spiritual beliefs.

I believe I was - before earth life. I started out as energy - unique from the start. My loving Father and Mother in Heaven formed me into a spirit child. It makes sense to me to have a Mother in Heaven. Since I am a Christian, I have been taught to call God - Father. I believe He teaches us by patterning - therefore, if He gave us fathers and mothers here on earth - it stands to reason that He patterned our world after His own. I must have a spiritual mother. Before my earth life, I learned and developed under the care and guidance of Them in the pre-existence. I have faint memories of this life before.

All mothers know each child comes to earth with a personality and special talents that are uniquely their own. I believe earthly heredity and the spiritual past have been placed in the newborn child. Here on earth, earthly mothers are given a chance to practice the things they learned in the pre-existence. We are not alone - our Heavenly Father has sent us help. I believe in Christ. I have the scriptures. Other religions, too, have prophets and scriptures that help teach them kindness and love. We try hard - sometimes we fail, but the purpose of earth life is to learn how to love and nurture perfectly. In a way this life is like a major exam. When this life is through, we again join our heavenly parents. We leave this earth life with understanding and growth, because we have learned through experience -- and this growth will continue throughout the eternities.

I believe that in the span of eternity this earth life is hardly a blink, however, it is very important. The bonds of love that we form here and in our pre-existence will continue throughout time. I know we will meet again after this life is over. Sometimes when I'm very quiet, and I let my humanness go - and reach out with a spirit of love to my son - I am touched with a feeling of deep - forever love. I cannot do it often because it also brings back that deep pain of loss - but I know my son's life goes on in another existence. There, he is busy and learning and cared for by others. Since we all die - I know I will one day be there, too. Ryan is now safe from earthly trials. Eternity is forever, and I know my love for him will last that long.

This Guardian of Motherhood is dedicated to all mothers who have lost a child and have tried to understand the bigger spiritual picture. As women, we are the ones who teach most of the spiritual lessons in our homes. What a great privilege it is to serve our Heavenly Father and Mother here on earth by teaching these special children.

Whatever her spiritual beliefs, it is necessary, for a grieving mother's healing, to find peace with her God, and to find peace within herself. It is often painful and hard won, but the struggle is well worth the effort.